So this post was due to be published month or so back but never got around to it... or just didnt feel ready to publish it.
Fear of pain, fear of rejection, fear of betrayal (my biggest fear). Why I am so scared of betrayal? Simple... I am not your typical husband/bf/lover. I notice everything and I see everything. I see a smile on girls faces, that slight upturned corner of your mouth that indicates its a juicy text, I pick up on your answers and your TELLs so I know when you will lie to me. I notice the change in appearance, hair style, nail polish change. I see it all and I process it all. You cant keep it a secret from me. Which is why I fear it the most.
Sadly though what choice do I have? Not to get hurt means to be a lone, which is a pain I would rather not feel. So into the fire I step knowing that I will either get burned or find love. But fuck it, you cant win unless you try.
---- New entry ...
I think this will be my last post in this blog.. I might add one or two if there is some juicy tid bits to add, other wise my loyal fans I think I have poured enough heart to the world. Its time to zip it up and be a man.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
How dumb am I
So today I realized that I am a stupid retard...
As always I am getting a head of my self.. Two weeks ago I meat a girl, the one who I almost canceled on. Two great week... She is unlike anybody I have ever met, smart, sexy, brilliant, caring... I can go on and on describing her. Two great week, two damn near perfect weeks.. then I opened up the pandoras box that is my character flaws -- My gut feelings started to send warning signals to my brain. Now let me explain, my gut feelings are usually 99% accurate but I usually ignore my gut and then regret it but this time I went with it, desire to know whats behind closed door was to great ... So instead of keeping my damn mouth shut like I should have and giving my self chance to process it and purge it out of my system via a an extra hard work out I went and confronted her, instead of letting her open that door for me, to invite me in, and maybe hear the actually who store, I tried to shoved both of my feet into it and got the door shut on me. I mean if we were dating for 6 months, I might have been justified, maybe, but two weeks? Fuck no... I am just amazed she didnt get mad at me at toss my stupid ass out.
I mean lets be honest, I have my own secrets, or what not that I am not ready to share just yet, and will not share until I am ready. So if she has something to share then she will when she is ready. So why did I do it? hmmm read the title :) I guess one thing that is going for me, is that I tend to make mistakes once... then I learn.
As always I am getting a head of my self.. Two weeks ago I meat a girl, the one who I almost canceled on. Two great week... She is unlike anybody I have ever met, smart, sexy, brilliant, caring... I can go on and on describing her. Two great week, two damn near perfect weeks.. then I opened up the pandoras box that is my character flaws -- My gut feelings started to send warning signals to my brain. Now let me explain, my gut feelings are usually 99% accurate but I usually ignore my gut and then regret it but this time I went with it, desire to know whats behind closed door was to great ... So instead of keeping my damn mouth shut like I should have and giving my self chance to process it and purge it out of my system via a an extra hard work out I went and confronted her, instead of letting her open that door for me, to invite me in, and maybe hear the actually who store, I tried to shoved both of my feet into it and got the door shut on me. I mean if we were dating for 6 months, I might have been justified, maybe, but two weeks? Fuck no... I am just amazed she didnt get mad at me at toss my stupid ass out.
I mean lets be honest, I have my own secrets, or what not that I am not ready to share just yet, and will not share until I am ready. So if she has something to share then she will when she is ready. So why did I do it? hmmm read the title :) I guess one thing that is going for me, is that I tend to make mistakes once... then I learn.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
am i ready?
So for last few months I went through what is called a whoring phase... i fucked as many girls as I could. Now most men would be happy, and I know my dad would be, is proud of me, the thing is I am not. I dont know, but I am wired different from most men. Besides the physical satisfaction i got out of it, and that is up for debate, I got nothing out of it. Total emptiness. The only joy is a simple knowledge that i fucked more women in the last 3 months then I did in my previous 32 years. Hell i got more ass in the last few months then i probably did in the last 3 years...
So for those few poor souls who have been around me when I found the courage to set my self free from my previous life know the pain I went through.. Well not pain, but emotional roller coaster, to instability, the loss of all logic. You also saw my return to normal. I am finally able to drink again and be happy, I am able to make jokes, I am my happy person that I used to be.
So some time back I met this girl... The funny thing about that meet was that I wanted to cancel that date cause the visit with dr.D took a lot out of me, but for some reason I decided to go through with it... figure if its like the one I had few days back ill just figure a way out and go home. Well 3 hours into the date the last thing i wanted was to go home, but now i am getting of point.
This girl asked me, and she was not the first, "you just moved out, you just ended your 12 year relationship" do you think you are ready to start another?
good question... but for the first time I can say YES!!!! I dont think i was made to whore around, from conquest to conquest... I want somebody to come home to. Change that to I need somebody to come home to. I need somebody that will make me want to be a better person....
I spent months hurting, but I can compartmentalize, I can burry feelings, which i did for a long time, which is what got me into this mess. But i stopped doing that. I blogged, I see a shrink, I talk to friends about my issues. I dug my self out of the whole that was me. I returned to ME. My heart is finally whole and ready to love again... I know that I take a risk of being hurt again, but I dont give a shit, I out on an hunt, but this time its not for pussy, its for a partner in crime.
Alea iacta est.....
So for those few poor souls who have been around me when I found the courage to set my self free from my previous life know the pain I went through.. Well not pain, but emotional roller coaster, to instability, the loss of all logic. You also saw my return to normal. I am finally able to drink again and be happy, I am able to make jokes, I am my happy person that I used to be.
So some time back I met this girl... The funny thing about that meet was that I wanted to cancel that date cause the visit with dr.D took a lot out of me, but for some reason I decided to go through with it... figure if its like the one I had few days back ill just figure a way out and go home. Well 3 hours into the date the last thing i wanted was to go home, but now i am getting of point.
This girl asked me, and she was not the first, "you just moved out, you just ended your 12 year relationship" do you think you are ready to start another?
good question... but for the first time I can say YES!!!! I dont think i was made to whore around, from conquest to conquest... I want somebody to come home to. Change that to I need somebody to come home to. I need somebody that will make me want to be a better person....
I spent months hurting, but I can compartmentalize, I can burry feelings, which i did for a long time, which is what got me into this mess. But i stopped doing that. I blogged, I see a shrink, I talk to friends about my issues. I dug my self out of the whole that was me. I returned to ME. My heart is finally whole and ready to love again... I know that I take a risk of being hurt again, but I dont give a shit, I out on an hunt, but this time its not for pussy, its for a partner in crime.
Alea iacta est.....
Monday, July 4, 2011
to be nice or an ass part 2
So some time back I posted a blog about being tired of being taken for granted. About how being nice just gets me walked over.
Since then I had the chance to experience life. To go through some life changes, to see what i was writing from both sides. Here is the update, but first a small recap.
To those women, with who I am my old, nice self, I get walked over. I am plan B or even D. Used and abused. In other words I am nothing.
On the other hand, and here is the good part: I meat few girls from various websites. I treated both with out my usual I open the doors and all that crap.. I went in with 1. I dont give a shit and 2. I totally can care less about you attitude. Now I cant get rid of them both, eh might have worked a bit to well.
But my point is made. ASS = Respect.
Since then I had the chance to experience life. To go through some life changes, to see what i was writing from both sides. Here is the update, but first a small recap.
To those women, with who I am my old, nice self, I get walked over. I am plan B or even D. Used and abused. In other words I am nothing.
On the other hand, and here is the good part: I meat few girls from various websites. I treated both with out my usual I open the doors and all that crap.. I went in with 1. I dont give a shit and 2. I totally can care less about you attitude. Now I cant get rid of them both, eh might have worked a bit to well.
But my point is made. ASS = Respect.
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