selfish prick

Ok so I like to collect things like alcohol and cigars. Well not to collect, but to hold on to for a while before I enjoy it. Kind of makes it much more special. I have wine bottles that I have been holding for few years, cigars that have been in my humidor for 3+ years. Well key words is HAD.

So two weeks ago I took most of my stuff our of the house that i still own and moved it into my parents house. Knowing that my dad is an alcoholic, i left 99% if my collection at my wifes place, knowing its safe. I just brought few closed bottles that had special meaning to me. I also brought my humidor.

So bottles: 1. was from a friend who said to hold it until we meet again and then we will open it. Its a tradition i started and i been holding this bottle for 3 years now. S
Cigars: Yes i went through some emotional times so i smoked few of my cigars so i had one cigar left from the "do not touch section" its a $50 cuban Monte Crisco that I bought 5 years ago. I been saving it for something special -> first born kid, threesomes, what ever you get the point.

So how I became a selfish prick.

In two weeks time my father with out asking me, found the bottle that my friend gave me, opened it and drank half of it. I mean, lets see, there were two open bottles next to it, there were hidden, the bottle was closed.

Event 2. My uncle, a nice man, was working in my parents house, informs me, that he took a cigar out of my humidor. Humidor was next to my bottles. I mean there was only one cigar in there, in an expensive looking metal case, but he just went and fucking took it cause he didnt have $10 for a pack of smokes.

So, i lost my bottle and I lost my cigar. One would assume that I would be a bit justified in getting furious, but nooooooooo.. according to my dad I am a selfish prick.

recap

So its been a while since i wrote a blog, figure its time to do a recap on events past..


So I started to date, well if you want to call it that :)

Here is some little info:

girl1: wow talk about BO
house wife: ahh enough said
girl2: damn near raped me -- loved every second of it, but has since went a bit nuts on me.
house wife: only if her husband knew..
Already planing our wedding together.. eeeh I am still married.
girl3: distant memory
house wife: said hi to the neighbor :)
girl4: pass the knife to cut my veins
housewife: still dont know her name

ok so had some fun, learned few things, should have knows some things.

p.s. still get two texts a day from girl2...

work out

So I have been lifting heavy for 3 week straight with only 2 days break... a bit crazy but thats me...

For some reason though, Tuesday and Wednesday I had some really bad days, I could not concentrate, I could not complete any work out, I hurt my back, just a total mess.

Thursday was a rough day for.. I found the courage to talk to a friend about something, and the result, well better or worse I cant say, but time will tell. At the time i felt hurt, and i know I hurt her. I wound up smoking a pack and a half and didnt eat anything other then a smoothie after work.

But then something happened. I got home and my legs felt like i needed to run. Like a pure bred horse being led into the race track. So i changed and went to the gym, when all i planned to do was lie in bed and chill.
Got to the gym, no lifting, just an elliptical. My legs are primed, my blood is running, my heart is cool, my lungs are clear (dont know why with all the nicotine in them)
I press the on button and off I go. No few minutes to warm up and build up speed, not this time, i need to run. I slam the + buttons on both resistance and incline levels, i see it climb 4 then 5 then 6 then 10. My head seats are blasting Techno, my blood is pumping, my legs feel joy, my lungs are clean. I need more resistance as the whole machine is shaking for the way i am moving so up it goes. I raise the volume and then I hit the zone. I tune the world out, time stops, everything stops, my mind is blank, my heart is steady, my breathing is steady.

Nothing but bliss as i am lost to the world. And then it stops, WTF, the techo ends and i tune the world back in. WTF. did my phone break or restart again? hmmm no its dead, but how the was charged. Then i notice, the timer says 90 minutes. HUH? I wipe the sweat from my eyes to double, triple check, yup 90 minutes, 12 miles. WOW...

Now thats what i call a run.

Fire

So I go to therapy every Monday. I love the concept, I pay money to talk.. and oh boy do I talk. In few months that I have been going I have told this poor lady more then I have told anybody in the family. She knows more about me, then anybody alive. She is the only person who I tell EVERYTHING and not just that, I tell her the whole truth of what I feel and how I feel. My parents level of judgmentalness and desire to nit pick everything, and my moms mentality is such that over the years i clammed up. So to finally have a neutral 3d party to talk to is, well, is great. Anyway this is not were i want to take this post.

Durring this session we talked about my bucket list, my desires, how everybody thinks they know me better then i do, and then I got into the topic of playing with fire. I told her that there is something that I want. But I know that it would be playing with fire, but I dont care because I want to get burned, that I am willing to take the burn.

I expected her to talk me out of it, to tell me I was wrong, to tell me how stupid I was, cause it was what my mom would do. Instead she said, how sure are you that you want it. She told me if I can honestly answer to my self "Does the risk of pain out weight the reward then you should not deny your self, because your have been denying your self everything up until now"

wow... I guess its worth the money I pay.

you think you know better then me?

Ok so I just had a chat with my Mom and my dad. While being already a tad agitated from being yelled 3 times for shit thats out of control my parents were not better help.

So I am Jewish, which means I have a Jewish mother, which means to worry is to live, and to live is to worry. The Jewish mother will worry over everything and anything and will never pass up an opportunity to guilt trip you about it either. Of and did I mention that they are also controlling as hell?

Anyway, I came home last night from the gym, with a weired smile on my face. Instantly something is wrong, did my wife call? is it work? Its nothing mom. I mean i am not going to mention that i just spent 10 minutes listening to some porn start riding a vibrator on the Sirus radio Spice channel. So its nothing mom. Of course, thats not an answer and we go into worry mode. Then my dad is involved cause she called him 10 times today that she is worried about me that something is wrong. What ever.

So here is the thing, here is what really ticks me off. Why are most people in my life, (3 different people doubted my understanding of my feelings today) are telling me what i feel and how i should feel? What makes them more qualified then me to see whats inside of me? To see what I feel, what i want, what i crave, what i fear?

Not a damn fucking thing...

I am 32 years old, I have an MBA degree, i read a lot, I have a good job, I make decent money so is it that hard to assume that i know what I feel and what I want?

Yes I know I went through some hard times, through an emotional roller coaster, but I never lost track of what i wanted, of what i felt inside, i just lost my ability to control my emotions and dumped the shit that should have stayed private on those i care about. Lets face it folks, had I listened to the so called experts, i would be home with my wife and miserable.

Point of this rant. Stop trying to tell me how and what I feel.

to be nice or to be an ass?

So last night on the way home from the gym i was listening to some stupid chanel on Sirius radio since I could not get reception on the rock channel that i like. This woman was yapping about her having this nicest, most caring husband in the world, BUT, there is always some BUT with women. I mean seriously, you just said he is the nicest and most caring, so what the fuck is your problem?

Then, even i knew this so damn well, it hit me. Women DO NOT want nice, oh sure they moan and groan how they want to be pampered and cared for, but what they want is an ass whole. Women cant deal with nice, they walk right over it, and abuse it. Its to boring. Men, by our instincts, used to go out, find some poor animal, chase it down, kill it and bring it home. Women would stay home (cave) and bicker, jest with each other for power, for position, well more like for the position of being the mate of the strongest cave man. Those instincts are with us.

So I looked back, I have always been a nice person, caring, loving, bla bla bla and always got walked over. Me things enough of this shit... I saw what being mr. nice got me. Lets see what being an ass will get me.

TATA bitches..