Fire with IN

January 1st 2013 I was 34 years old.. and felt like nothing but a looser. I was in a dead end relationship that I new would end but I had no power to do anything about it. I was a passenger on a run a way train with no way to get off, to make it worse, I had no desire to save my safe. Then something happened... To quote one of the greatest movies of all times, and probably for the first time in my life actually believing, standing in the rain (i know how dramatic this sounds) wet, cold and miserable I looked up at the clouds and said enough of this shit.. I uttered the quote "Father, the sleeper has a woken" and for the first time I have believed it. From that moment I have set upon to transform my self into something I never was, a sharpened weapon, focused, driven and most of all determined. I started working out again, hard. I run twice a day.. pushing my self further out and faster. When I started it, I could not finish a mile, now i do 4 miles twice a day, or more if its on an elliptical. I dropped 20 pounds and more coming down every day!!! My clothes dont fit and I love it. I also signed up for two mud runs and my work out have took on a whole new edge as I prep my self, as I transform my self from that weak mother fucker into a sharpened spear of war with which I will transform my self into something I am proud off!! I ended my misery with my job.. I have been interviewing like crazy and at this rate something will land and even the fact that there is so much interested from the job market has been nothing but a bonus! The most important thing that I have realized, was last night as I found my self out of energy, my lungs on fire, my legs cramping and facing a steep hill. First instinct was to stop, give up and try again tomorrow, but I gave it more power, I pushed faster and harder.. Dont stop, you can do it, you can over take that person in front of you and finish strong!!! I realized that over the last few months I have become an extremely competitive bastard.. and the person I am now competing with is ME!!!! Fuck I love waking up every morning with a bit more pride with in me!!!

Unwilling to loose for the sake of not loosing

So I have been looking over the last few dating experiences of my life and I had a very interesting realization.  I can't let go due to my stubbornness.  Mind you I can handle the loss it self pretty well, actually better then Ok (which fucking scares the shit out of me) yet when I am in a relationship, and I know it's the wrong one I can't let go.  I am so scared of that loss that I hold on for my dear life.  Like drowning in shallow pol of water and the only salvation is to put my foot down and stand up.  Yet, for some reason, while my brain is screaming at me to do it, my heart, or what ever it is, is telling me not to.. It's telling me give it more time, give it more juice find a way to make it work.  Lol like that damn scene from star track where capt. Kirk would scream to Scotty that he needs more power and Scotty would howler back "capt she can't take any more of this" but capt would never listen and push for more.  

May e one day I'll learn to place my feet down and save my self...

Ok so I am back!! Part 1

So it's been forever since I sat down to write one of these. Why did I stop in the first place?? Who knows, felt like I was healthy enough and I would not need it. Could I be more wrong??
It would take another failed relationship to fuck me even more to realize and learn how to deal with. Interestingly though I realized that I am a better person that I have a massive competitive edge that just simply had to be motivated properly to wake up. In this case, the lack of desire to be with girls who I thought where safe options but the hot crazy chicks.
But I think that would be for another blog.

So what has happened since the last time I wrote here.

Well I met this girl for who, like an army of other retards I fell for. I fell for her hard!! For the sake of this conversation lets call her LaraF. She told me all the right stuff, did all the right things I had no chance. Only later did I come to realize that she had the same set of lines for every other idiot!! To make things interesting, her idea of monogamy was that it doesn't exist!! She did tell me once that she loved mixing business and pleasure and boy was she not lying. At the time she was working with two older partners.. One of them 50+ year old fucker by the name of Lev Saks. He is the type of person that when you look into his eyes, those scanning beady eyes, you can tell that he is a low life piece of shit. Well despite all her lies of how much I am the only person for her, she and this lev Saks would take "business" trips and fuck each other!!! My favorite one was when they left for Albany NY together about 7 hours earlier for a 3 hour drive and came back with that freshly fucked face. Or they would go to longisland city and their meeting would always be in the cell phone dead zone... hahaha she would go out of her way to tell me that she is not to be bothered.  Ahm ya...

The sad shit, or from my point of view, funny as hell, is that the fucker never realized that he was seduced for no other reason but her needs for him to financially support their failing business. The first moment they officially closed down the shop she stopped sleeping with him... Yet the retard never even considered that.  He only thought she was lying to me and fully honest with him!! Dumb shit!!

But anyway how do I know this?? Well when you are with the person for a while you tend to figure out their patterns, and once in a while you happen to be in the right place like watching them give a very loving kiss to each other at the end of their last partner meeting in Starbucks. I think they forgot they I used to go a supplier office down there all the time!! And I love the ultra fast shutter speed and high res on my iPad!! Such nice pictures!!'

During this time we also went through two pregnancies, both of which ended in the loss of a fetus. A very gut reaching experiences. At least the second one was. No I am not cold hearted bastard, I just know with 100% certainty that I was the father second time around. First time it was 50/50 between me and lev Saks. Wander what the DNA testing place would think when they would be running two tests on the same sample cause I know her and I would have sent it in secret!!

I did threaten to show the pictures to his wife and kids.. But then realized I would be the same as them... Sides his life would be more fun knowing that there is always that chance that it can come back and bite him in his ass...


There is much more to this story but its for another post...

why the fuck did i ever stop

Wow its been a while since I wrote something here. I guess like the majority of people who sign up to blogger or what ever blogging (venting, or yapping) mode of choice we go with, we write a blog and say .... what ever, who gives a shit, everybody knows that most "bloggers" do not blog more then 5 blogs so no point listing my half ass reasons as to why I stopped.Well to say that I have went through an interesting time would be an understatement... I have learned a lot about my self, probably more then I really wanted to, fuck that, there is no probably in there... at the end, I can tell you that there was more shit on that list that I disdain about my self then there are things that I actually like..There are people who like to say "well knowing is half the battle?" seriously? how stupid are they? Knowing is no battle, knowing is .000000001 of the battle... the battle is to actually finding the courage to actually change, to actually do something, to say that enough of this shit

fears

So this post was due to be published month or so back but never got around to it... or just didnt feel ready to publish it.

Fear of pain, fear of rejection, fear of betrayal (my biggest fear). Why I am so scared of betrayal? Simple... I am not your typical husband/bf/lover. I notice everything and I see everything. I see a smile on girls faces, that slight upturned corner of your mouth that indicates its a juicy text, I pick up on your answers and your TELLs so I know when you will lie to me. I notice the change in appearance, hair style, nail polish change. I see it all and I process it all. You cant keep it a secret from me. Which is why I fear it the most.

Sadly though what choice do I have? Not to get hurt means to be a lone, which is a pain I would rather not feel. So into the fire I step knowing that I will either get burned or find love. But fuck it, you cant win unless you try.

---- New entry ...
I think this will be my last post in this blog.. I might add one or two if there is some juicy tid bits to add, other wise my loyal fans I think I have poured enough heart to the world. Its time to zip it up and be a man.

How dumb am I

So today I realized that I am a stupid retard...

As always I am getting a head of my self.. Two weeks ago I meat a girl, the one who I almost canceled on. Two great week... She is unlike anybody I have ever met, smart, sexy, brilliant, caring... I can go on and on describing her. Two great week, two damn near perfect weeks.. then I opened up the pandoras box that is my character flaws -- My gut feelings started to send warning signals to my brain. Now let me explain, my gut feelings are usually 99% accurate but I usually ignore my gut and then regret it but this time I went with it, desire to know whats behind closed door was to great ... So instead of keeping my damn mouth shut like I should have and giving my self chance to process it and purge it out of my system via a an extra hard work out I went and confronted her, instead of letting her open that door for me, to invite me in, and maybe hear the actually who store, I tried to shoved both of my feet into it and got the door shut on me. I mean if we were dating for 6 months, I might have been justified, maybe, but two weeks? Fuck no... I am just amazed she didnt get mad at me at toss my stupid ass out.

I mean lets be honest, I have my own secrets, or what not that I am not ready to share just yet, and will not share until I am ready. So if she has something to share then she will when she is ready. So why did I do it? hmmm read the title :) I guess one thing that is going for me, is that I tend to make mistakes once... then I learn.

am i ready?

So for last few months I went through what is called a whoring phase... i fucked as many girls as I could. Now most men would be happy, and I know my dad would be, is proud of me, the thing is I am not. I dont know, but I am wired different from most men. Besides the physical satisfaction i got out of it, and that is up for debate, I got nothing out of it. Total emptiness. The only joy is a simple knowledge that i fucked more women in the last 3 months then I did in my previous 32 years. Hell i got more ass in the last few months then i probably did in the last 3 years...

So for those few poor souls who have been around me when I found the courage to set my self free from my previous life know the pain I went through.. Well not pain, but emotional roller coaster, to instability, the loss of all logic. You also saw my return to normal. I am finally able to drink again and be happy, I am able to make jokes, I am my happy person that I used to be.

So some time back I met this girl... The funny thing about that meet was that I wanted to cancel that date cause the visit with dr.D took a lot out of me, but for some reason I decided to go through with it... figure if its like the one I had few days back ill just figure a way out and go home. Well 3 hours into the date the last thing i wanted was to go home, but now i am getting of point.

This girl asked me, and she was not the first, "you just moved out, you just ended your 12 year relationship" do you think you are ready to start another?

good question... but for the first time I can say YES!!!! I dont think i was made to whore around, from conquest to conquest... I want somebody to come home to. Change that to I need somebody to come home to. I need somebody that will make me want to be a better person....

I spent months hurting, but I can compartmentalize, I can burry feelings, which i did for a long time, which is what got me into this mess. But i stopped doing that. I blogged, I see a shrink, I talk to friends about my issues. I dug my self out of the whole that was me. I returned to ME. My heart is finally whole and ready to love again... I know that I take a risk of being hurt again, but I dont give a shit, I out on an hunt, but this time its not for pussy, its for a partner in crime.

Alea iacta est.....