Its just a car. Is it?

Its 6 am. I am out of the house, driving down the road that leads to my folks house. Coming towards me is another Jeep, one lucky enough to have a soft top. His hand comes out in a wave, and I wave back. Its a jeep thing. I feel good. I am on heading to South NJ to the first place i found on google were I can take my new toy for some dirt road driving, and maybe get some mud on it. Like my cousin said, a Wrangles is not a wrangles with out some mud on it.

My mood is like no others. I am out of the house early, not worried about a person who might or might not be grumpy, doing what I wanted, when I wanted, but its more then that, its much more than that. I am in a car that i wanted, at a price I wanted, no compromises. Well one tiny one, but it had to do with safety and my driving style.

We started to test drive cars few days back, Ford Edge, Honda Accord (the cross over one) few other cars I am not going to bother mentioning. My mom wanted that, my dad wanted something else, I just went from one opinion to another. Until I woke up Saturday morning and said, wait a fucking second. I am doing my usual crap and it has to end. Told them I want a Jeep Wrangler. They though i was nuts... Few hours later I signed the paper work. My mom loved it. My dad, well he loved that I loved it.

Two hours later... I am driving down rt 206 in middle of bumble fuck NJ. Classical Rock blasting from my Sirius Radio. I make a sharp left turn, engage 4x4, hit the gas pedal to the medal and let the fun begin.

4 hours later... One skinny dipping... one near car accident (could not run over a turtle) and tons of fun I am heading back home... Still smiling, well more like grinning like a total idiot, but who gives a shit. I am doing what I want cause for the first time in a long time I know what I want from life. My path is clear...

Damn its good to be a live.

what do we want

Ok so i have been working on this post for quite some time.. I start, i stop, i type and i delete. Just could not finish it, or start it for that matter. Its been eating at me, dying to get out, so i guess its time to finish it, or at least turn it into a multi part...

so some time back i heard "it will not be considered until you know what you want, until you know if its real or faje" what an interesting statement. I have been thinking about it for quite some time, i did what i do best... i looked at it from every angle. How can we as people figure out what we want? Hell some of us need to try 20 outfits before we pick that one, and then put on the first one we tried. We can spend weeks, months, life time figuring out what we want to do in life and then do the opposite, or wind up doing what we want.

Yet when it comes to my life, some would say i am confused and lost - thanks dad for the vote of confidence. Some say I have false feelings cause well there is nobody else... Some say i dont know what i want and need to figure it out.

To all of you all I can say is F you, with love. I know what is best for me. Took me a long time to find the guts in life to make ME happy, so nobody will tell me what I want.

I took my self to the dark place, those who had the pleasure of being around me durring that time i am sorry with all my heart. But i came out stronger, healthier, maybe even a bit smarter. I realized that i cant let anybody dicate my life for me, not any more. From now on it can only be me, on my own terms. I know that i cant let anybody else make my decisions for me. I know what I want, and I know how i want it. Painful or not, emotional or not my path is clear...
And to those who doubt me, well kiss my hairy ruski ass.

Plan B

So I sat in a meeting today, long, boring, pain the ass meeting. My mind set to listen for certain key words that would bring me back to reality, while in the mean time i was doing what I do quite a lot. Think, think, think some more, and then think more about my life. For some reason i wandered into the topic of Plan B. First i started thinking of what are my plan Bs in life. Scary that some of then I now have to implement. Others can still be kept on the shelf. Sadly, then and there I had a scary though, am I plan B to others?? Am i the backup to others? I know my manager keeps trying to play my against my co-worker, who in theory reports to me. His plan is to make sure both of us dont get to strong. Nice, they expect me work my ass of, hump all over the fucking country, and then treat me life plan b? WTF.

At that moment I heard a key word that my mind has been scanning and reverted back to the meeting. After words I tried to revisit the whole plan B idea. But stopped my self. To afraid of what I would discover.

I guess ill be thinking of it tonight when yet again sleep will avoid me.

booz

So in my life, in my family alcohol has always been a huge problem. My dad, my uncle, my grandfather have been a huge lovers of the bottle. While i like a drink or 5 i have no issues if I dont drink.


So tonight i went to visit my cousin who i have not seen in a long time. Got to see my niece and nephew. Soooo adorable. I talked to my couzin and her husband a lovely couple. He offered me an old bottle of wine and said that he is sorry but they dont have anything else since they dont drink, which i know is true. After I hung out there I had to swing by my uncles place to pic something up. There he proudly told me that he has not smoked or drank in a year. My uncle, the chain smoker and a huge boozer sober? Wow.
Then i came home. It took me all of 2 seconds to realize that my dad is drunk, again. I found half a bottle of JB in the kitchen and him acting the way he usually does when he is drunk.

So now that I am in a room after getting into a fight with him, I realize that I am in a decent mood. My uncle gave me hope then some men can actually change when they want to.

Kryptonite

So i had a long chat with my cousin today over the phone. First she tried to pry out my secret(s) which she knows about but acting like she doesnt. I returned the favor. Then the topic changed and some how we started to talk about Kryptonitw. No not the one from the movies, but real life weak spot, our heroin. Hers was out college IT profesor, Firas. Now i am not gay, or even bi, but this dude was hot. Every time she talks about him, (they never talked or even dated) she has this smile which makes me wander that while even though she is married toa great man, with great kids, what will happen if Firas enters her life.

I guess we all have this kryptonite in us, the question is do we know it a weakness or not?

double life

I was watching bones few days ago. Part of an episode was about this "cult" that only told the truth, no matter how brutal it was. It seemed like an interesting idea, to be totally and completely honest with each other. But then again will it be a good idea??

We all have secrets, some large some small but they are secrets. They sit inside of us causing hearth burn and other damage, but sit inside they must cause if they get out relationships can get ruined, friends ships can break and world will rupture.

So the question arises, if we all have secrets like that how honest are we with each other. Are there two people out there who are totally honest with each other? Are there two people out there who fully know each other? and if the answer is yes, are they happy together?

In the end some skelatons should be left in the closets.

p.s for some reason i just typed this shit up...

self review

Last night i visited a friend... a bit worried since the previous time we talked it was a total disaster.... I know the person might disagree with me but it will take a bit of time to return to were we were as friends, to let the tension die down. Yup, i am an idiot that cant keep his mouth shut some times, strange since the end of my marriage is caused by my keeping my mouth shut for to long.

So we talked about the stages of depression and life and some points were made clear, yet another point was made clear to me as my mind was winding down for the night, thanks to some medicine.

My previous "life" was suffocating me, so i changed it, or trying to anyway. No I need to isolate my self, at least for week to start. To focus on nothing but me. Selfish, yup, but necessary. I am mentally unstable, a pressure cooker that is always one second a way from a need of an emergency release. I am over weight, and hate my self for it, so I need to hit the gym. 10 years ago i could bench 300 and run 5 miles and not break a sweat. Now I smoke, drink, and probably cant run 1/4 of a mile with out having heart attack. So thinking about all that last night i realized that I hate my self for my inability to change. I guess that stops here and now.

Plan for the next week.

1. no more smoking - i have been quiting for a long time. no more time.

2. no more drinking - should be easy, since it fucks me up these days anyway

3. GYM/TREAD MILL --- I used to love it, used to be the high light of the day to get into the gym and lift. It was almost as good as sex to add an extra few pounds to the weigh pile and to lift it.

No more excuses, No more BS. Time to get my shit together and just fucking do it.

I mean common, girl prefer guys with big arms, flat stomachs, and those that can fuck for hours.

No more excuses

to drink or not to drink

So last night i has another realization. Yes, one more, one of many. Can it be that i am finally growing up?

Anyway, I cant drink. Let me rephrase, I should not drink. I like to drink in moderation, and not to sound like i am bragging, but my Russian blood gives me the ability to drink in large amounts, but I realized i should not.

Back in the day, when life was good i would get all goofy, supper supper horny, social, and believe it or not FUN. Now I get weired. I get an emotional wreck. If you actually read any of my ramblings, part of my problems in life is that i have issues letting go of my emotions. Once they are set of the leash, i have no idea how to control them. The one verbal fight i had with a friend was when i was not sober, simply cause i could not control my self.

Worst of all my engineer training that teaches me to analyze things from every point of view kicks in and i start looking at emotions from every angle which raises more emotions and more thoughts. Quick sand. I feel like i am drowning, i realize what is going on, but i cant stop... Like a run a way freight train heading for disaster.

The sad part about this, is that it does not stop once the booz out of my system. It lasts for hours, if not days after...

hmm non alcoholic beer???

I have given up

So i have been posting quite a bit but I have gotten of the topic.

Speaking from male point of view, most men, well most real men hate to loose. It drives us mad, and it drives me insane. Yet, at which point do we say to our self enough is enough, if i keep fighting then even if i do win then there wont be enough of me left to matter in the end????

Sadly there is no magic 8 ball, and no matter how many $5 palm reading you do (speaking of which, there is a palm reading lady out side my building, she cant even predict the weather, so how can she predict my future?)

Some time back, seems like fore ever, I have finally given up. I stopped fighting for my marriage. After 12 years, 6 dating and 6 married, i totally stopped fighting. The result was a total collapse. Do i feel like a complete asshole? Yup sure do. Is it getting better to deal with it? Yup. So why did I give up? Was it for love? Nope. Was it so i could go out there and fulfill my fantasy of beating Casanovas record? Nope (well maybe a bit, but most men have that fantasy)

Did I have it in my for one more fight? For one more try? Yes I did, or could have scraped up enough courage for one more. But in the end, I did it because I knew that a bit by bit there was nothing left of me. I was not the same person any more. I was not happy, I was with drawn, I lost my friends. I lost ME. So i made a call that I need to save me.

(damn it is still early for booz)

adultery

What is adultery ? Is it an act where one partner in a relationship has physical relationship with a partner outside the relationship? Yes it is. Does adultery cover the subject of mental/emotional adultery? Which one is worse?? Which one is more harmful?

Some of my friends love their partners, but are not able to keep it in their pants... I have a "friend". Now this girl is in love with her bf of some time, yet go figure she slept with another men, for no reason other then "why not". She loves her bf yet she still did. Go figure

On the other hand there is another friend, a distant distant relative who is in love with another woman yet is unable to have any intimate relationship with her because he cant bring him self to cheat on his wife. So is he not an adulterer already?

how honest are we with eachother

A good friend of mine asked me once "how truly honest are we with each other"?

Good question...

Last night i found my self out in a bar with a friend of my, well honestly his wife and my wife are friends, so i guess we are friendly by default since we have no choice... anyway he is sitting there ranting about how he cant make money fast enough, how (he runs a small IT support shop) his IT shop does these advanced projects bla bla... Which i know is all a total load of shit. So on he goes yapping about how he is this big shot, but do I question him? Do I poke holes in his stories? No i say oh wow, and oh that is great and keep sipping my beer, lost track of them towards the end. So to sum it up, we sat there both getting drunk, both lying to each other and we both knew that we are lying to each... yet we still did. So how honest are we?

Do we tell a person we love/car the truth knowing perfectly well that it will hurt or devastate them? Do we question the things they want to keep hidden the most?? Or do we pretend like we are ignorent in order to keep the piece and tranquility?

At what price does the principle of honesty between the two get compromised and ignorance, lying and false truth is more valued?

What I like...

Here I am swamped at work but all i want to do is write about me.. selfish i know, but it helps me find my focus, my balance....

So what do I like: Women, fast cars and money.........

In all seriousness though, like all red blooded men I do love women. What kind of women I like? Most would start with big boobs, tight ass, long legs, not me. I like smart women first, then how they look second. I used to know a girl, nice legs, nice chest, no brains... 5 minutes into a conversation all i wanted was to run. So i like them smart, then i care about the looks. I know most wont believe me, but its true, sides its my blog so go bugger off (I have been watching lots of BBS shows lately so starting to pick up on the lingo)

What else do I like?

I like logic, I think any and all arguments, discussions, disagreements can, and should be resolved in quiet, logical manner. Once volume level goes up I get defensive and years of avoidance that I learned from my mother kick in and I clam up. All i want to do is stop whats going on and to get a way. Sun Tzu would say that when you attack an enemy make sure you leave them a path to retreat. If you do not they will fight with a x10 resolve. The same with me, if you start yelling at me and dont give me a way out I will strike out. Not physically, its not as effective, but verbally. Have i dont this before? Oh yes, during oh so many arguments I had with my wife, in order to end I would find one of the many points I could push and push hard until she would back of. Did it ever make me feel good? Nope. (note to self: talk to the therapist about this)

Cars? nah just as long as it gets me from point A to point B.

Friends: I dont have many, but the ones I do have are the ones that I know that i can call at any time and the only response would be "i am on the way". Those are my friends and I would not trade them for the world. I also know that once this is done and settled they will be the only ones who will stand by me.

What else do I like...

Simplicity... I like when things are simple. I am network admin, I deal with network security, disaster recovery. My job is to plan for the worst, to analyze all possible points of failure. So when I come home I want things simple. To cuddle on the couch, watch TV, talk about each others day with her head on my shoulder, have sex, cook dinner, eat dinner, clean up after. What I do not want is to come home and have to watch every word I saw cause it might be considered as an attack, or what else. Simple, quiet, pleasant.

to know they self and to ignore thy self

Few hours ago i posted my first blog were i opened up directly about the inner me. Something that i have never done before. I got to admit, it left pretty raw on the inside. There is an old saying in Russia, granted it sounds better in Russian but it is - Dont pour more salt on my wounds. Sadly, I feel that it is what I must to do to my self in order to heal or at least start healing...

I am a 32 year old man, nobody cares about physical attributes, pretty successful career. Married - dont know for how much longer. No siblings, just bunch of cousins who are scattered over the world.

Few weeks ago, actually about 3-4 months, to be precise, my life changed. I had a fight with my wife, a pretty tame one by our standards, and the reasons for it is another blog, maybe... but while tame in volume it sent ripples far and wide. For the first time in year I admitted to my self that i am not happy. Oh i knew that i was not happy, just never bother admitting it, if you dont say then it is not real type of approach. So there I said... and now its real. And how real has it become, on the inside it was like the Berlin wall coming down. But instead of celebrations, everything that has been stored, blocked from the world, has come poring out... and since then I have been on an emotional roller coaster the likes 6-flags would only dream off.

The roller coaster that had me move out by the end of the following week.

I finally realized that i cant store anything on the inside, there is no room for bad or good. Half the time i am moody, the other half i am irritable, and for a bit i am happy. A good friend forced me to go to see help and it was one of the smartest things i done, cause its also one of the few things i ever done for my self by my self. You know what they say, to be able to admit that you have the problem is part of the solution to that problem...

is it time for a drink yet???

Me and generations of me and the first tears

They say that the apple does not fall far from the tree. Well, sadly, as i find my self in this stage in life i realize how true this is.

So who am I really? I am my grandfathers grandson. A great man to some, an idol to me, but a man with many flaws. He was not a smart man, not by a long shot, he was always told what, how, when and never why and he was ok with it, but he could teach a thing or two about loyalty to a German Shepard who is standing between his owner and a possible threat ready to pounce even if it means his life. He could teach about honor to those who define the word it self.

At age 15 he lied to the army recruiter and went to fight the invading Germans. Survived Leningrad, and then got badly wounded in the Baltics. From that day to his last day on this planet he had a bullet half an inch from his heart that could not be removed. For those of us that knew him, knew that when the weather was bad, or when the winter set in he was in pain.. But to the rest of the world he was a happy man.

After the war, while most would sit and cry with self pity, he set him self on a path to find his brothers and sisters and put his family together, which he did. And then he put them through school, while working multiple jobs to provide for them.

Later on in life, when i had the privileged to sit on his knee and listen to few war stories and play with his medals (my most valued possession ) I would ask:

Deda why did you do this and he would tell me: Thats cause its a mans job to do.

Deda why do you never cry when you are in pain: Men dont cry

Deda why do you never complain: Men dont complain.

He would say mens job is to do his job.

I grew up listening to that and thats what i was until the age of 30-31 when the cracks in the dam started to appear.

Next generation:

My mother, what can i say about her, loving caring selfless and selfish woman. What is the difference between a pit bull and a jewish mother? Well at some point a pit bull will leave you a lone. My mother, will never do that until she gets her way.... She does things out of love, out of care, out of deep belief that since she is my mother she knows best and i am an idiot...

From my mother i learned the art of censure, the art of avoidence, the art of keeping things hidden deep inside... And life was good up until the age of 31-32.

Last year i got a call one Sunday morning from my dad telling me that my grandmother has passed. Thats when all hell has broken... I was in JFK in 2 hours, on a flight to Israel an hour later, at a cemetery 15 hours later. I didnt stop moving, i didnt cry, i didnt complain for i could not, I had a crying mother on my shoulder, i had to be a man.

The rabi told me, my mother and her sister to come with him and pay our last respects to the body... My uncles and cousins grabbed me and told me not to go because i would not handle it so i listened to them and stayed. I got a bit a head of my self here, while my grandfather was my idol and my hero this woman was my life, while i hated her for how she ruled the family as a king, i also loved her more then anything.

Once she was buried, all the men who are not direct family (some jewish tradition) began taking turns with the shovel and covering the grave... Yet again i was denied....

Few hours later, after the ceremony where these family members stood and told how much they loved her and all that bull shit, (where were they when she was sick? where were they when they didnt need anything?) we came back to home... Knowing i needed to be a lone, that i need to stop moving, i took a bottle of some alcohol, pack of smokes and wandered of into the Negev desert (The first dunes started 50 feet from uncles house, the city of Arad is built in the middle of the desert) and sat down on the rock and stopped moving for the first time in 24 hours and allowed the days events to catch up to me... To be honest i stopped moving for the first time in 20 years. My first grandfather died, i shower no emotions, my second grandfather died, i showed no emotion, now my grandmother died, and it brought me to a stand still. I sat on the stone for few hours with no control over emotions until i was ready to return to society, to be strong for my mother, my aunt, my couzins...

While i recovered that time, the first cracks in the damn showed up and they would just get worse...

But thats another story................