self review

Last night i visited a friend... a bit worried since the previous time we talked it was a total disaster.... I know the person might disagree with me but it will take a bit of time to return to were we were as friends, to let the tension die down. Yup, i am an idiot that cant keep his mouth shut some times, strange since the end of my marriage is caused by my keeping my mouth shut for to long.

So we talked about the stages of depression and life and some points were made clear, yet another point was made clear to me as my mind was winding down for the night, thanks to some medicine.

My previous "life" was suffocating me, so i changed it, or trying to anyway. No I need to isolate my self, at least for week to start. To focus on nothing but me. Selfish, yup, but necessary. I am mentally unstable, a pressure cooker that is always one second a way from a need of an emergency release. I am over weight, and hate my self for it, so I need to hit the gym. 10 years ago i could bench 300 and run 5 miles and not break a sweat. Now I smoke, drink, and probably cant run 1/4 of a mile with out having heart attack. So thinking about all that last night i realized that I hate my self for my inability to change. I guess that stops here and now.

Plan for the next week.

1. no more smoking - i have been quiting for a long time. no more time.

2. no more drinking - should be easy, since it fucks me up these days anyway

3. GYM/TREAD MILL --- I used to love it, used to be the high light of the day to get into the gym and lift. It was almost as good as sex to add an extra few pounds to the weigh pile and to lift it.

No more excuses, No more BS. Time to get my shit together and just fucking do it.

I mean common, girl prefer guys with big arms, flat stomachs, and those that can fuck for hours.

No more excuses